Here’s How to Figure Out the Kind of Ceremony YOU want

By Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway

In this new age of wedding ceremonies, anything goes!

Unless a couple chooses to be married in a religious ceremony that will follow a time honored religious protocol, they can be as creative as they like. The range of options is vast.

Finding your personal style is a matter of deciding the type of ceremony most suited to you, and getting a sense of which rituals, blessings, prayers, readings, and cultural or religious aspects are personally meaningful.

In my line of work as an interfaith and non-denominational wedding officiant, it’s all about blending. First we assess the general type of ceremony that is right for each couple. Then we seek ways to blend in the traditions they do like, with creativity, romance and personal touches.

These personal touches can be anything from aspects of their religions or cultures, to honoring and involving family, to including a humorous story about how they met or a poignant poem that captures their feelings. Or all of the above!

As a reference point, I like to explain to couples that there are several types of weddings to choose from.

Traditional
These are typically faith-based and culled from the tradition the bride and groom were born into.

Non-denominational
A spiritual ceremony that includes reference to God, but does not adhere to any particular religious protocol.

Non-religious
Usually includes no reference to faith and typically does not mention God. (Some people call it a civil ceremony, but in fact a civil ceremony often mentions God).

Interfaith
This is a blending of two or more faiths, by including aspect of religion or religious rituals or readings that are symbolic of each faith.

Intercultural
This is a blending of cultures – such as a Filipino veil ceremony with a Chinese red string ritual and yet can certainly also blend religious aspects.

That said, from my perspective, you can do all of the above in one specially tailored ceremony. The biggest issue is deciding if you want to reference God at all – some couples clearly do, but would rather not have religion, or clearly don’t, and want to have something that is more about their love and relationship. The trick is to find a creative officiant who is not bound to a particular religious protocol.

These are some of the questions I ask couples when consulting with them about creating a personalized wedding.

1. Where does religion fit in – or does it? Would you like to include an aspect of the faiths you were born into without the dogma? Do you want to include mention of God – or would you prefer blessing upon your union without mention of Divine presence?

2. What kind of ceremony would be most suited to the two of you? Would you like something personal yet that includes aspects of your traditions? Or would something romantic and offbeat be more your style? On the spectrum between a formal and traditional ceremony and the wackiest exchange of vows you can think of, where are you? Somewhere in the middle, or somewhere on the edge, wanting to be different?

3. What are your special needs? Think about the requirements you each may have. Is one of you more religious than the other? Is one of you atheist or agnostic? Are you an interfaith pair? Do you hail from different cultures? How much do you want to honor your heritage and the traditions of your parents and family, etc? Is there anything you abhor about those traditions and would never want in your own ceremony?

4. What do you two truly want? Most importantly, be completely honest with one another (and then, your officiant). Make sure you are creating this ceremony for the two of you – not just to please others.

I give couples this mantra to adhere to as they seek to create a ceremony all their own: “We will create our wedding ceremony our way.”

© Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway, 2006, all rights reserved..

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway is a leading interfaith and non-denominational wedding officiant who specializes in creating unique and romantic wedding ceremonies for couples of all faiths, backgrounds and cultures. She is also widely recognized as a bridal stress expert devoted to helping brides-to-be tap into their inner power and poise. She is the founder of annual Blessing of The Brides and author of WEDDING GODDESS: A Divine Guide To Transforming Wedding Stress into Wedding Bliss (Perigee Books, May 2005).
www.WeddingGoddess.com

By: Crystal and Jason Melendez

Your ceremony defines your wedding. It’s the big, anticipated event that joins you as husband and wife before the eyes of those most important to you. Your wedding vision, along with your personal beliefs, will be a major part of what fashions and shapes this historical moment in your lives.

The Type of Ceremony

Before you can start location hunting, make sure you have a good idea of exactly what type of ceremony you envision. Researching and visiting venues is time consuming, so don’t fall into the trap of leaping into it before doing your homework. The first point to consider—which may already be a given for you based on your personal beliefs—is whether your ceremony will be overseen by a religious officiant according to the customs and traditions of a particular faith, or presided over by a legal official with a more flexible ceremony format. Your options for location type, formality, and style will be based on where your beliefs and preferences direct you.

Religious or Civil?

Let’s start building the foundation for your wedding ceremony with this all-important question, and discuss just what it means to have a religious ceremony as opposed to a civil one.

Religious Ceremonies

For many couples, their faith is an important part of their lives and background. Having your church or congregation—in addition to the state—recognize your union is a necessary requirement for some and a nice touch for others. For some very religious couples or those with especially religious families, it is the binding force of their marriage. Perhaps you’re not exactly a member of a particular religion, but feel a certain connection to one (it may be your parents’ religion, for example) and you might like to make the values and traditions of that faith an integral part of your wedding ceremony. Or perhaps you’ve always wanted to get more involved with a particular religion and have decided to make your wedding part of your embracing of it.

Whether it’s your religion or whether you’d like to show respect for that of your parents or sweetheart, a particular faith will have its own traditions, customs, and requirements for marriage beyond that of the state. Religious ceremonies are presided over by an officiant of that faith, and usually have a very specific format. The details may vary from one congregation to another, or from church to church, but the basic elements will be the same. Most religious ceremonies are performed in a place of worship: a church, temple, or synagogue.

If both are of different faiths, don’t let this become a barrier for you. Appreciate the fact that you have more than one source of tradition and customs to draw upon! Many religions welcome interfaith marriages, and there are several options for including both of your beliefs in your ceremony. For some, the easiest way to include both of their religions is actually to have a civil ceremony (more on this paradox in a bit).

Some (but not all) religious officiants will agree to perform the ceremony in a non-religious site of your choosing. You’ll need to check up on this when deciding on an officiant and a location; most Roman Catholic clergy members, for example, will only perform a wedding ceremony in a Catholic church.

Civil Ceremonies

No, this isn’t just for couples who want to take the Vegas route or say a quick “I do” at the county courthouse. While you’re welcome to tie the knot those ways, you can also opt for a ceremony every bit as detailed, symbolic, and traditional as a religious one performed in a house of worship.

A civil ceremony is simply one that is presided over by a legal officiant rather than a religious one. This officiant may be a judge, county clerk, magistrate, justice of the peace, mayor or notary public. They’ll often travel to a location of your choosing, and are usually flexible in terms of ceremony format, additions, and details—meaning that you can customize as you please. You may be able to add certain customized elements that a religious officiant might not allow, for example, while including enough religious and traditional additions to satisfy your family and personal beliefs.

Civil ceremonies are the option to go with if neither of you is religious, or if you just aren’t comfortable with a religious ceremony in general. You may want the ceremony held at a non-religious location and are having trouble finding an officiant of your religion willing to oversee the ceremony in a place other than a church.

Another reason you might opt for a civil ceremony is if you are both of different faiths, having trouble settling on the appropriate place of worship, and unable to find a religious officiant who is open enough to include both faiths to the extent you’d like. In this case, you could find a location of your own that suits you and have a civil officiant—one who would allow you to bring in the rituals and traditions as you see fit-oversee the ceremony.

Length and Formality

Both religious and civil ceremonies are fairly open when it comes to duration. You can have a full-length, symbolic tradition-filled ritual that lasts for an hour or more, or keep the whole thing short and sweet in less than fifteen minutes. It’s a balance you’ll need to decide between the two of you. While your guests will appreciate a short, concise ceremony that isn’t drawn-out or overly lengthy, you don’t want to rush such an important moment in your life. Make sure that every detail significant to you is included, and work with your officiant to get the timing down to something that you’ll be comfortable with. You’ll have plenty of practice with this during your rehearsal; just make sure at this point that the officiant you choose will be open to your suggestions.

As far as formality goes, you’ll want your ceremony to be as formal or informal as your reception. Keep in mind that religious ceremonies are, as a general rule, more formal and you’ll be subject to the dress code of the particular religion (usually nothing too revealing). With civil ceremonies, dress code won’t be an issue at all. If your wedding vision is a barefoot beach affair, for example, your best bet would probably be a civil ceremony..

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ABOUT THE AUTHORS:
Crystal and Jason Melendez are the authors of e-Plan Your Wedding:
How to Save Time and Money with Today’s Best Online Resources.
For more information, please visit http://www.eplanyourwedding.com